Labour's bloodiest week
11th September 2006
Overheard explaining massive security arrangements for the Labour conference in Manchester later this month, the city's Chief Constable Michael Todd said the PM would be under 'constant vigilant watch' before adding mischievously: 'Normally it's terrorists we're protecting him from - not members of his own Cabinet.'
• This is not the first time Charles Clarke has made intemperate remarks about Gordon Brown. The ex-Home Secretary delivered a similarly brutal assessment of the Chancellor in front of a gaggle of Brownite MPs at a Pizza Express restaurant in Westminster. And as he ranted, he tucked into two man-sized pizzas.
• Brown's hitmen have their line of attack ready if ex-Defence Secretary John Reid throws his hat in the ring. Reid sent our boys back to Afghanistan in April saying it was such a piece of cake they would probably be back, mission accomplished, without firing a shot. Nineteen have been killed in the past week. 'We won't let him forget that,' said a Brown crony.
• Tory MP Nicholas Soames defended rebel leader fellow ex-Defence Minister Tom Watson, who was branded a 'traitor' by No 10. 'Watson did brilliantly when his toe-rag boss Des Browne missed a Commons statement on the deaths of five British soldiers and kindly arranged a posthumous promotion for an RAF officer who lived in my constituency,' said Soames.
• Mahmood's decision to resign as a Government aide in protest at the PM's failure to step down prompted Blairite loyalists to recall another occasion when he was accused of being unfaithful.
He dumped his Muslim wife over an affair with failed Tory Parliamentary candidate Elaina Cohen, above, who persuaded him to cut off his moustache. No. 10 must wish she had gone even further.
• Long-haired Labour MP Sion Simon, who signed the 'Blair must go' letter after being passed over for promotion, will have to take even more drastic action before he is made a minister by 'Prime Minister' Brown. The Chancellor thinks Simon's Byronesque flowing locks make him look like a 'beatnik'.
• If Brown takes over, Downing Street aides are threatening to copy a stunt by Bill Clinton's White House staff when they handed over the keys to George W. Bush. They removed the Ws from White House keyboards so Bush's name couldn't be written in full.
'We are going to remove the Bs,' vowed a cheeky Blairite intern.
• Hartlepool Labour MP Ian Wright's decision to resign as a Government aide over Blair's refusal to quit had nothing to do with his feelings about Blair or Brown. He was furious with Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt for welching on a vow to save his local hospital.
• Celebrations planned by Leftie MP Harry Cohen in anticipation of Brown replacing Blair in No10 hit an unexpected snag. 'I put some champagne on ice ages ago but the wife drank it,' he said.
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